I am a Cat: The MOVIE!
by EpicKitty007
Summary: Wish and Owl have risen from the ashes of a past defeat, but now is no time to celebrate. Things are out to get us, things like giant keyboards, psycho police, burritos, and of course, the infamous Starkit. And why won't anyone understand that I am a cat? Rated T for excessive use of tasers, Batman, mild language, and humor.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a new experience, beyond the depths of your comprehension! See, Wish wrote most of it on our forum, LeafClan, but things took a crazy turn, and, well, now it is published for your enjoyment. Owl edited the posts into this awesomeness now known as I am a Cat: The MOVIE! Please, sit back, relax, enjoy Wish's insanity, and NO FLAMING! [Wish: It'll make me feel bad...]**

* * *

I'm a cat.

Meow.

See?

I meowed.

That's totally proof.

You know, that I'm a cat.

Watch.

Ill do it again for all you people who think I'm not a cat.

Meow.

There.

Believe me now?

Still no?

*looks at watch*

(10 seconds pass...)

How about now?

No?

Geez, you're killing me!

OK, fine!

I'M NOT A CAT!

I'm a...

*drumroll*

*stares at person doing the drumroll*

OK, just shut up. It's really annoying.

*drumroller throws drumstick in my face*

OW! GEEZ! MY FACE! Oh, hey look. It's chicken.

*bends down to pick up drumstick*

*bites off a piece*

This is actually really good.

*eats another bite*

Mmm...*bites another piece*

*starts choking on a bone*

I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BONELESS RECIPE!

THE NEW ONE, FROM KFC!

CUZ I ACTUALLY ATE THE BONES NOW!

*starts having a coughing fit*

This is horrible...

*vomits*

* * *

**[BACK IN TIME!]**

Hey, look, the forum reply throttles are gone!

*clicks reply*

_**Forum Reply Throttle**_

_**Please wait at least 5 seconds...**_

*kicks computer*

*punches hole in monitor*

*stomps on mouse*

*picks up keyboard*

*breaks it in half and tosses it out the window*

*hears screams* Whaa...?

*peeks out window*

*sees keyboard has crushed a car*

* * *

**[In editing room]**

Me: HOLD ON! How in the world did a keyboard crush a car?

Producer: Um... It megasized?

Me: Good enough. RESUME THE TAPE!

* * *

**[In the tape...]**

*hears sirens*

OH SHOOT! THE POLICE ARE AFTER ME!

*gets shot at*

WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT?!

Random guy: Well, you said 'shoot', so I did.

*tries to headkeyboard, but realizes the keyboard has megasized and crushed a car*

* * *

**[In editing room...once again]**

Me: This movie makes no sense.

Producer: Apparently, people tend to like random movies.

Me: I don't.

Producer: Me neither. But we're going to get money for it, so I could care less.

Me: True.

News Anchor: So...when are you guys going to be done?

Me: O.O Wait...what?

Producer: I rented out the news studio...

Me: -.- Now why would you do that?

Producer: Because it was there.

Me: I know it's HERE, but it doesn't mean you had to RENT it!

Producer: But it was so tempting...

Me: Temptation tends to do that.

Producer: Who's Temptation?

News Anchor: A young girl in Mississippi.

Me: *facepalm*

*doctor walks in*

Doctor: Facepalming is bad for your health. You now have diabetes.

*epic game achievement screen pops up*

**CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GOT...**

_**DIABETES!**_

Me: *Pushes screen aside* How did I get diabetes from facepalming?!

Doctor: I'm not sure.

Me: But you're a doctor.

Doctor: PART-TIME doctor.

Me: So how do you know I really have diabetes?

Doctor: I don't.

Me: Oh, that clears everything up then!

Producer and Doctor: It does?

Me: Yeah, of course it clears everything up!

Doctor, News Anchor, and Producer: HOW?!

Me: Isn't it obvious? If I un-facepalm with this very convenient time machine... *points to time machine hidden in custodian closet* I won't have diabetes!

Doctor: How did you get that from me saying I only work part-time?

Me: I'm just a genius. Deal with it.

News Anchor: Wait...you built a time machine in here?

Producer: Yeah, is it against the law?

*bunch of police officers break down the door*

Head Cop: EVERYONE DOWN ON THE FLOOR! YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST FOR THE USE OF A TIME MACHINE!

Me: But none of us used it yet.

Head Cop: Whatever. You threatened to use it. NOW DOWN ON THE GROUND!

* * *

**[At the courthouse]**

Me: I PLEAD INNOCENT!

Judge: Well, you can plead that, but I don't like begging. YOU'RE FIRED!

Me: I wasn't even hired.

Judge: Riiiiiight. GUILTY OF CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT!

Me: When did the government... Oh. I see. *I pause*

Me: But wait... I didn't conspire. I mean, what does conspiracy mean, anyway?

Judge: I'm not entirely sure. But you're guilty of it.

Me: But how can you convict me of it, if you don't even-

Judge: Now I'm putting you down for resisting arrest.

Me: BUT I'M ALREADY ARRESTED!

Judge: Then where are your handcuffs?

Me: Ohhhhh... Crap.

*SWAT team breaks down door*

Me: WHAT IS WITH POLICE AND BREAKING DOWN DOORS?!

SWAT Officer: Because it's fun?

Head SWAT Officer: DOWN ON THE GROUND! BREAKING AND ENTERING!

Me: This world is screwed up. *gets tasered*

* * *

**[In interrogation room]**

Interrogator: So, why don't you tell us what happened?

Me: Well, I WAS a cat, then decided I wasn't, then I got a key role in this messed up movie about oversized keyboards.

Interrogator: Uh huh. *scribbles something down on her clipboard*

Me: *stares at clipboard* And then I found out we were in a news studio.

Interrogator: So you didn't know that you were in a news studio?

Me: NO! Don't you think I would've mentioned that?

Interrogator: Well, people tend to... 'forget' important details. Can you try to remember when you helped the producer build the time machine?

Me: But I didn't build the time machine.

Interrogator: Then how did you know about it?

Me: It was sticking out of the custodian closet.

Interrogator: And why did you use it to conspire against the government?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE ASSUME- *stands up* THAT I CONSPIRED AGAINST THE GOV-

Interrogator: *pulls out taser* SIT BACK DOWN!

Me: Geez, OK. *sits back down, hands up* *gets tasered anyway*

* * *

**[A few days later...]**

*I wake up to a bright light*

Person behind light: *swings a marble on a string in front of me* You are getting sleepy...

Me: OK, cut the crap. That doesn't work.

Person behind light: It doesn't? I thought it did...

Me: Then you're an idiot.

Person behind light: *starts crying* MOM! SHE CALLED ME THE 'E' WORD!

Me: What 'e' word? I didn't say any kind of word that starts with an 'e'.

Person behind light: *runs away, crying his head off*

Me: O.O Uh... What just happened?

* * *

**[An hour or so later...]**

Me: Can I get some water? I'm thirsty.

Guy in front of me: No.

Me: How about a burrito?

Guy: No.

Me: Um... soda?

Guy: No.

Me: Do you know any word other than no?

Guy: No, not really.

Me: But you just said 2 other words. So...can I have my burrito now?

Guy: No.

Me: How 'bout now?

Guy: No.

Me: Can I have anything?

Guy: Maybe.

Me: DUDE! YOU SHOULD GET A MEDAL! THAT'S THREE NEW WORDS TODAY!

* * *

**[A few minutes pass...]**

Me: OK, can I have my soda? I'll give you a medal!

*door is kicked open*

Me: Oh, is it SWAT or the police?

Figure standing in doorway: Neither. I...Am... STARKIT!

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

**[Five hours later]**

Me: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO

Guy: Just shut up.

Me: That's what? 5 words? That must be quite the achievement.

Guy: *grins like an idiot* It is...actually.

Me: 7! HOLY CARP! YOU'RE ON A ROLL!

Guy: *blushes*

Me: Now, will you be a sweetheart and take me out of these handcuffs?

Guy: *unlocks handcuffs*

Me: *walks out of room triumphantly, before realizing my hands REALLY hurt* OHHH... OW... MY HANDS!

Random police eating a donut: *stares as I walk by*

Me: Hey there. Can I have one? *takes a donut from box*

Random police person: Uh...

Police Commissioner: HOW'D YOU GET OUT?! ON THE GROUND! *pulls out taser*

Me: *on ground* WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND TASERS?!

Policewoman: *tasers me*

* * *

**[I'm in yet another room, this time in a straitjacket]**

Me: *struggles a bit*

*guy walks in with a clipboard: He's flipping a few pages*

Guy with clipboard: So... how have you been?

Me: What do you think?

Guy with clipboard: *Looks up at me* Good point. So, it says here you have a fear of...Starkit?

Me: NO! NONO! NONONO! *struggles a lot, knocking chair over* OW! MY FACE!

Guy with clipboard: *laughing a little* Well, have fun down there.

Me: I will, as long as- *starkit pops into view* *screams loud enough to break the glass window thingy police always use*

Starkit: HAI THERE! AND DESE AR MAH FRNDS HOPKIT AND ANGUSTSDOW!

Hopekit and Angstshadow: HAI! WE WANT TO MAKE THE CLANS VEGETARIAN!

Me: I hate vegetables... *tries to bite Hopekit*

*Batman walks in*

Me: Oh, hey it's you.

*Batman takes off mask and is Barack Obama*

Me: I THOUGHT BATMAN WAS MICHELLE!

Barack Obama: Nope. *sprays me with pepper spray*

Me: *screams really loudly* I DIDN'T EVEN THROW ANY PAINT IN THE AIR YET!

*guy with clipboard walks in*

Guy: What the...

Me: *screaming* DON'T ASK!

*Hopekit, Starkit, Barack Obama, and Angstshadow turn to stare at him*

Guy: Uh... O.O

Me: THEY'RE ALL CRAZY! NOW GET ME OUT OF THE STRAITJACKET!

* * *

**[A few days later, after the whole incident is forgotten]**

Me: Well, that was insane. You ready buddy?

Buddy: Yeah.

*we both put on ski masks and go to rob a bank*

*I try to kick open the sliding door*

Me: OHHH! MY FOOT!

*Buddy walks by, casually sliding the door*

Buddy: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND! YOU'RE BEING ROBBED!

*We both notice the bank of full of cops*

Me and Buddy: Ho...crap.

Police person: ON THE GROUND!

*I drop my bag and collapse on the floor*

Me: Buddy, you better get down, they're going to-

Police person: SHUT UP! *pepper sprays me, Buddy is perfectly fine*

Me: WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?! EVERY TIME! MY EYES!

* * *

**[Back in police station]**

*I'm sitting in another interrogation room*

Me: You know...I'm wondering why I'm not handcuffed.

*Police officer walks by*

Me: HEY! YOU! Put handcuffs on me before I'm accused of resisting arrest.

Police: HEY! WOAH! YOU'RE BEING AGGRESSIVE TOWARD ME!

Me: No! No! I don't mean to be...sorry...please...don't taser me. *Is pepper sprayed* OH! GEEZ! I DON'T WANT TO BE PEPPER SPRAYED EITHER! *screams head off, hands over eyes*

*Interrogator walks in*

Interrogator: Hey, hold on. I know you.

Me: YES! YOU DO! OW! MY EYES!

Interrogator: *sits down in chair opposite me, sighing* So, what did you do this time?

Me: *crying because of eyes* I robbed a bank.

Interrogator: But you didn't take any money. *Notices cast on my foot* What happened to your foot?

Me: I tried to kick a sliding door.

Interrogator: Well, that was stupid.

Me: Yeah. Say, did you solve the time machine thing yet?

Interrogator: O.O No...

Me: Seriously? It seemed to be a huge deal... Did you even bring in the news anchor?

Interrogator: What news anchor?

Me: *head-desk* The news anchor that wondered why we rented the building for a movie...

Interrogator: What movie?

Me: Did you become stupid over two days?

Interrogator: Hold on. It's been two DAYS?!

Me: Yeah, it's not like it was five years or something.

Interrogator: *stands up* AND HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WASN'T?!

Me: Yup, you got stupid after that long.

*Police kicks down dooor*

Me: GEEZ! STOP KICKING DOWN DOORS!

Police: You've got a visitor.

Me: Do I get a lawyer?

Police and Interrogator: NO!

*Visitor walks in*

Starkit: I'M BACK!

Me: *screams again* YOU ACTUALLY SPELLED THAT RIGHT!

Starkit: I did? *uses time machine*

**[Edited post from Starkit]**

Satrtik: I baj!

**[Back to present]**

Me: Can you arrest her now? She used the time machine.

Police: Who did?

Me: -.- This isn't going to end well for me, is it?

Police: Why?

Me: Because... I'm a cat.

*POOF!*

**[I am now a little golden kitty]**

Me: And my name is Dawnkit!

Police: AW...The little kitty just mewed!

Me: No, don't you dare cuddle me... Don't come any closer! NO! NO! NOOOOOO! *Is cuddled by Police*

Police: I'll adopt this little kitty! And I'll name her Kitty!

Me: That's a horrible name. Oh, wait...You don't understand me, do you? How about this? MEOW!

Police: AW! IT'S SO CUTE! *cuddles me again*

Me: Maybe I should just shut up now... -.-

*Police walks away, still cuddling me*

Interrogator: O.O Uh...did anyone realize that she just turned into a cat?

Satrtki:Nu I duny.

Interrogator: You make no sense. *tasers Starkit*

Me: *peeks over Police's shoulder* YES! YES! SHE GOT TASERED! THE WORLD IS RIGHT AGAIN! YOU ROCK INTERROGATOR-PERSON-WHO-I-DON'T-KNOW-YOUR-NAME!

* * *

**[Wish: So, hope everyone enjoyed my insanity. I'm bound to go insane again sometime soon, so this will totally be longer. Remember, r-e-v-i-e-w. REVIEW! I want to know what you guys think of my brain. And tasers. Yay for tasers! So, you know...be patient and I will get more out for you guys! And some credit MUST go to Owl, for actually reading every post and editing it into this.**

**If none of you got the whole "I DIDN'T EVEN THROW PAINT IN THE AIR YET!" thing, it was something Adam Young said, about seeing an attractive girl and getting pepper sprayed. It was very inspiring. Now, stay out of the way of psychotic cops while I try to be insane for you all!]**


	2. Chapter 2

**Remember, we don't own anything except Owl, Wish, and the plot!**

**[In the mental hospital]**

Lobby lady: Who are you here to visit?

Me: lalalalalaaaaa

Lobby lady: I see. *Picks up phone*

Lady: do we have an open room?

Me: DO you have a bank here?

Lady: Yes. *Hangs up phone* It's around the corner, at the second right.

Me: THANK YOU! *runs off in that direction*

* * *

**[At the "bank"...]**

Me: PUT ALL YOU GOT IN DA BAG!

**[There is only one person in the room]**

Him: OK! FINE! *shoves his shoes in the bag* THERE! HAPPY?!

Me: O.O Whut?

Him: WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL? *Pulls out gun*

Me:*Shoots guy in head*

*Starkit bursts into room*

* * *

**[Back into da editing room]**

Me: WOAH! YOU DID NOT HAVE TO BRING STARKIT INTO THIS! And how in the world did I get the gun?

Producer: Time machine.

Me: Of course, *chuckles* the time machine. *pulls out gun*

Starkit: My precious, don't run away!

Me: *screams, freaks out, and shoots at Starkit*

Starkit:YOU WON'T ESCAPE! *Shoots spider webs*

Me: Wait...wasn't that a quote from The Wizard of Oz? *pulls out bucket of water* Either way, you won't like this. *pours water on Starkit*

Starkit: *turns into robot*

Me: What th- *gets tasered by the Starkit robot.*

* * *

**[20 minutes of excruciating pain later]**

Me: Why... IS IT ALWAYS A TASER?!

Robot: why are you still alive?

Me: YOU HAVEN'T PEPPER SPRAY- Oh shoot. No...forget I said-

Robot: *salt sprays*

Me: *screams head off* HEY MR. PRODUCER PERSON? WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE?!

Producer: *sips coffe* You're doing great, hon. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Me: THIS ISN'T AN ACT, IDIOT!

*therapist walks in*

Therapist: So, how do you feel about this?

Me: I HATE THERAPISTS! AND YOU AREN'T MY THERAPIST! *pepper sprays therapist*

Therapist: *runs out of room screaming*

Producer: How DO you feel about this?

Me: Awful. Ooh, no...THIS FEELS GOOD! *pepper sprays producer*

Producer: OW! MY EYES!

Me: That did feel good... I HOLD THE POWER OF THE WORLD IN MY HAND! BWAHAHAHA-

Starkit: I want to know, how is your social life going?

Me: AMAZING! *tasers Starkit* *laughs, going insane*

* * *

**[In police precinct]**

Interrogator: You know, you should really stop tasering people.

Me: Why did no one else get arrested for tasering me?

Interrogator: You could file a complaint.

Me: I couldn't even get a lawyer...

Interrogator: We can provide one for you.

Me: I asked for one, and you said no. Can I go home now?

Interrogator: No.

Me: Well, then I want a lollipop.

Interrogator: Why do you want a-

Me: BECAUSE I WANT ONE!

Interrogator: *walks to door, and sticks head out* Can you get the mental hospital on the line?

Me: Laaaaaalalalalalala... Is it the one with that nice lady and the bank?

Interrogator: *stares at me*

Me: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Interrogator: MAKE IT QUICK!

* * *

**[Few hours later...]**

Me: This room is so drab. It's all white. It need some paint. Like, a mural. Or something. Do you have any paint? I could fix this up.

Lady: We have some death pills. You want one?

Me: SURE! But wait... do you know if they taste good?

Lady: I dunno...But I guess they do. I'll go get one for you. *turns around, but immediately faces me again to taser me*

Me: THAT'S NOT A DEATH PILL!

* * *

**[Couple minutes later, back in the editing room]**

Me: *Looks at statement above* I thought we were in the editing room hours ago...

Producer: We were?

Me: *facepalm* Everyone is mind-dead.

*doctor bursts in door*

Me: Oh, hey, look. It's that part-time diabetes guy.

Doctor: No, I'm the full time one now.

Me: Oh. Congrats on the promotion.

Doctor: I didn't get promoted.

Me: Then... What the...

Doctor: I'm his twin brother.

Me: Oh. OK. So...why are you here?

Doctor: To give you this.

*Another epic game screen pops up*

_**CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GOT...**_

_**MONONUCLEOSIS!**_

Me: Another? You guys must love me...

Random guy in the distance: I DO!

Me: Yeah...someone shoot him. *gunshot* THANK YOU!

Doctor: Who did that?

*door suddenly falls over*

Me: I bet you-

Owl:ON THE GROUND! NOW!

Me: So it's totally deja vu... Oh, hey Owl. How you been?

Owl: SILENCE! *Tasers*

Me: OWL! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO *gets tasered again*

Owl: hehehirnvsi dfvsknd cskd,mc I FEEL GREAT!

Me: Ow...

* * *

**[Precinct. Again.]**

Me: Where's Owl?

Police guy: Who's Owl?

Me: You know, Owl.

Police: Owl?

Me: Yes, Owl.

Police: Who's that?

Owl: Hoot Hoot

Me: Bark...I'm named after a dog! *morphs into dog* WHAT THE-

Police: GET ANIMAL CONTROL! NOW!

Owl: *flys out open window by the donut cop* LIKE A BOSS!

Me: Now, see? Why can't I just fly out windows? OK, here, let's see. I'M A DOVE! *morphs into a duck* Good enough.

Owl: *Flies in with chainsaw* DIE POLICE! DIE!

Hopekit: Wai wohuld u eate animikals?

Owl: DIE HOPEKIT! *Swings chainsaw at her*

SWAT team: *Knock down door* Owl, you are under arrest for animal cruelty!

Owl: But I am just a bird! *Flys up* *Gets caught in laser beam* Nooo!

* * *

**[Later]**

Me: You really should have let Owl kill Hopekit. She's getting on my nerves.

Hopekit: Whi u alk so man to meh?

Me: Can I leave now?

*Sees that I am talking to no one.*

Me: Oh, so you just leave me here to die? FINE! I DIDN'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY!

Guy: *Walks in with a baseball bat*

Me: No! Don't hurt me! I am innocent!

Guy: Oh really? Then why are you in a jail cell?

Me: *Looks around* Oh, that's why the toilet is in the open! You guys really need to fix that. I could use some privacy when taking my shower in there.

Hopekit: Wai u uses me dreken fontan as bah?

Me: What did you just say?

Hopekit: I sah, whi yu ues my druken foutian as a bauth?!

Me: This is hopeless.

Hopekit: Mai muomy sahs I spesial

Me: Yes, Hopekit, you are definitely "Spesial". NOW LET ME OUT!

Guy: *Chucks bat at my head.*

Me: Why is that bat getting bigger? *gets hit in the head with baseball bat* *blacks out*

* * *

**[Wakes up in operation room]**

Me: What's going on here?

Doctor: Well, I was worried about your facepalming, so I re-engineered your face.

Me My...my face? *facepalms*

Doctor: NO! DON'T DO THAT!

Me: Oh. Right. Do I get kidney failure or something now? I feel really tired all of a sudden...

Doctor: That's probably your mononucleosis.

Me: Can cats even get mono?

Doctor: But you're not a cat.

Me: Yes, I am! MEOW! SEE?! SEE?!

Doctor: I can do that too. Meow.

Me: It's not the same.

Doctor: How is it not the same? That's exactly what you did.

Me: I said it without grinning like an idiot.

Doctor: Buh...but...I'm not an idiot.

Me: What if I said you were, for not believing I'm a cat?

Doctor: *runs out of room, crying his head off*

Me: Oh...that's gross. *picks up doctor's head*

* * *

**[Meanwhile...]**

Cat: Meow.

Kitty: HISS!

Cat: o.O

Kitty: =P

Cat: Mew?

Kitty: Mrrow.

Cat: XD

Kitty: Mew?

Owl: SHUT UP!

* * *

**[Operating room]**

Me: But my face looks the same.

Doctor: What do you mean? It looks totally different.

Me: It looks like a cat.

Doctor: I don't even know how that works.

Me: It works because I'm a cat anyway.

Doctor: No you're not.

Me: Yes I am.

Doctor: No.

Me: Yes.

Doctor: No!

Me:Yes!

Doctor: NO!

Me: YES!

*door flies open*

Me: That's awesome...where'd you guys get flying doors?!

Doctor: Uh... eBay.

Me: Do they sell flying kitty doors?

Doctor: Why do you need flying kitty doors?

Me: *facepalm* I'M A CAT!

Doctor: Stop facepalming, or I will give you hysteria.

Me: *laughs hysterically*

Doctor: Well, I see you already have it. *Gets slapped*

Me: hgsbhdjnkcxjnsiyeb fsc I FEEL AMAZING!

Doctor: Are you high?

Me: I don't do drugs. Hehehe...SUJGANCKMAWEBWSCDJSKWJE N *falls off table* OW!

Doctor: Suuuuuure...

Me: DO A DRUG TEST OR SOMETHING THEN!?

Doctor: *performs the test* You took drugs.

Me: WHAT?! NO I DIDN'T! THAT NICE LADY AT THE MENTAL HOSPITAL GAVE ME PILLS! AND THEN I HAD BLUEBERRY MUFFINS!

Doctor: Well that's great then. You want these? *holds out knockout pills*

Me: Sure! *eats them* *passes out*

* * *

**[Meanwhile, in an interrogation room]**

Interrogator: Why did you attempt to kill a cat?

Owl: I'm an owl.

Interrogator. I can see that.

Owl: I eat cats.

Interrogator: I thought you ate mice.

Owl: Hopekit is one ugly mouse then.

Interrogator: But she's a cat.

Owl: Too bad. She needed to die. *Watch thingy beeps* I need to get out of here! *Flies out window*

**[Outside Me and Owl meet up]**

Me: Ready for this mission? *Pulls out iPad*

Owl: Totally. *Pulls out gun*

Me: *Googles "Where is Justin Bieber right now?"* *Copies address onto sticky note* Let's go.

* * *

**[A few hours and an incredibly long bus trip later...]**

Me: *Breaks through glass door*

Owl: *Follows in behind*

Me: NOW WHERE IS HE?!

Owl: OVER THERE! UPSTAIRS ON THE COUCH! *Reading FaceBook page*

Both Me and Owl: *Run up the stairs* *Turn corner* THERE HE IS!

*Shoots*

Me: *runs over and kicks Justin Bieber off of couch*

Owl: *Slams his head into TV across the room*

Me: *throws TV out window*

Owl: *Pulls "Girlfriend" perfume out of his bathroom and shoves it up his nose*

Me: *starts a fire and throws all the records into it* Ah...That felt GREAT!

Owl: *Replaces his garbage with a mural that says "Hootowls were here!"*

Me: *high fives Owl* That was fun.

Owl: *High fives back* We should do this again, if he is even still alive.

SWAT team: *Breaks down door* YOU'RE BOTH UNDER ARREST!

Owl: YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Me: *faints*

Owl and Me: *Taken away*

* * *

**[Wish: Review our magnificent work! Owl worked a lot more on this one than last one, but it was a team job in the end! Thank you to all those beautiful people reading this and have a great day! Also, the whole Justin Bieber thing was not meant to offend anyone.]**

**(Owl: But we weren't kidding about the other part. Owl City is perfect.) **


	3. Chapter 3

**[At the courthouse]**

Owl: This is madness!

Judge: You are clearly mistaken. THIS IS SPARTA!

Me: Last time I checked I was a cat.

Judge: WHY IS THERE A CAT IN HERE?

Owl: *Sighs* Can we get back to why we are here?

Judge: Um, sure.

Me: Hey, shouldn't we get a lawyer?

Judge: No.

Me: But they said we could!

Judge: You could file a complaint.

Me: NO! I have have enough of this nonsense. Come on, Owl, we are getting out of here.

Owl: *Pulls out grappling hook* Let's do this! *Shoots at windows*

Me: *Grabs onto Owl*

* Both of us fly out through the window*

Owl: Where do we go now?

Me: I dunno. Somewhere?

* * *

**[Later, in Somewhere, Arkansas]**

Me: *drinks water* This is nice... *stares out into the junkyard*

*A sudden clatter is heard from behind*

Owl: What was that?

Me: I dunno. I'll go check. *jumps off car's roof* *peeks around corner of pile of junk* Hello?

*A growl*

Me: OK... That sounded like a dog. *sees a VERY angry Hopekit*

Hopekit: Yu stih no tl me wai u us mah drnkn foutan as bahf!

Me: What?

Hopekit: YU STL NO TLE MEH WI YO UE MI DNRKIN FAUNTN AF BAF!

Me: And you are still totally unintelligible. *Pulls out pepper spray, but there is now Starkit and Angstkit* Uh...this is bad. Owl? *hears police in background* NUUU! OWL!

Starkit: *jumps on top of me, followed by Hopekit and Angstkit*

Me: AH! GET YOUR FUR OUT OF MY MOUTH! I WILL BE CONTAMINATED BY YOUR STUPIDNESS! Oh, wait, I'm already mentally unstable. BUT STILL! OFF!

Hopekit: *steals my pepper spray and uses it on me*

Me: OHHH! MY EYES! *Begins to scream. Really loud.*

*SWAT team runs up to find me, Hopekit and co. are gone*

SWAT guy: YOU! ON THE GROUND!

Me: I AM ON THE GR- *gets pepper sprayed again*

SWAT guy: I TOLD YOU! ON THE GROUND!

Me: I AM! I'M ON THE STUPID GROUND!

SWAT leader: But we want you on the non-stupid ground.

Me: HOW CAN YOU EVEN TELL?!

SWAT leader: Um... Well, you're on stupid ground.

Me: IT LOOKS NO DIFFERENT THAN THE DIRT NEXT TO ME!

SWAT guy: Actually...she's ri-

SWAT leader: YOU BADMOUTHING ME?! *pepper sprays SWAT guy*

Me: Uh... O_O

SWAT leader: *looks back at me* ON THE GROUND!

Me: *rolls over to a new patch of ground* THERE!

SWAT leader: *tasers me anyway*

* * *

**[Back in yet another police precinct]**

Me: I want to file a complaint. I never get any lawyers or anything.

Donut cop: *mouth full* You can't file a complaint. You're a criminal.

Me: Then what am I guilty of? And how come other criminals get lawyers?

Donut cop: Uh... Want a donut?

Me: SURE! *grabs a donut and devours it*

Donut cop: Now you're guilty of stealing. You stole my donut.

Me: WHAT THE?! YOU OFFERED ME A DONUT!

Donut cop: I did? Oh...

Me: *slams head against table*

*POOF!*

Doctor: What are you doing?

Me: Head-desking...

Doctor: You know I will have to re-engineer your face now.

Me: Why? *grabs another donut and eats it*

Doctor: Because of all the donuts.

Me: *pauses mid-bite*

Doctor: TRICKED YOU! APRIL FOOLS!

Me: But it's not even April... And it's not even the first of the month.

Doctor: *checks calendar* Oh.

Me: *Facepalm* You're a total idiot, you know that?

Doctor: I'M NOT AN IDIOT! *begins to cry*

Me: You take that WAY too seriously.

Doctor: *pulls out laser beam*

Me: Ohhhhh...shoot.

Doctor: THIS IS FOR CALLING ME AN IDIOT! *fumbles with laser beam* WHERE'S THE ON BUTTON?!

Me: This hurts so much. Ow. No. Stop. Ow.

Doctor: SHUT UP! *finds on button* *turns it on high*

Me: Yeah...this is actually going to suck, isn't it?

Starkit: Yeh ti si.

Me: That almost looks like you were talking backward. And the last part was Spanish.

*Random portal opens*

Doctor and Me: Um...what's that?

Doctor: HUMAN SACRIFICE TO THE BIG GLOWY SPINNY THINGY! *grabs me*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME! *is tossed into portal*

*portal disappears, sucking up Donut cop's donuts*

Donut cop: My...my... *stares at the spot where his donuts were; it's the one clean, dust free spot on his desk* MY DONUTS! *grabs the closest thing and hits Doctor with it*

Doctor: *rubs his head* WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU HIT ME WITH A PIECE OF PAPER?

Owl: *peers over* I'm surprised it actually hurt.

Doctor: *stops rubbing his head*

Owl: I SHALL BE FREE! *morphs into owl, flies into portal*

*everyone stares at where Owl was*

Doctor: Uh...didn't the portal close?

Owl: I'M A BOSS!

Doctor: I thought you were in the portal already...

Owl: Right. In portal. Got it.

* * *

**[Inside the portal... In a magical place called... Uh... Something.]**

Me: Where are we?

Owl: *shrugs*

*random person walks up*

Person: THIS... IS...

Me: Are you pausing for effect?

Person: Yeah...

Owl: It's not working. Now, where are we?

Person: Something.

Me: What? I want to know where we are.

Person: You're in Something.

Owl: We're not in 'something', we're in a portal.

Person: No, you're in Something.

Me: This is hopeless.

Hopekit: UI IZ BAHK!

Me: It's still hopeless. The only thing that changed is that this place just sucks more.

Person: Want to know a secret?

Owl: What's the secret? Is it how to kill Hopekit?

Me: Naw, probably not. You can just chainsaw her head, so she will die even if she's a weird zombie thing.

Owl: True. *pulls out taser* NOW WHAT'S THE SECRET?!

Person: Something is filled with Hopekit, Starkit, and Angstkit clones.

Me: WHERE IS THIS THING?! I SHALL EXPLODE IT WITH MY... *fumbles in pockets* *pulls out a piece of gum* WITH MY GUM!

Person: OH MY GOSH! What's gum?

Owl: *facepalm*

*Doctor appears from a cloud of hot pink smoke*

Doctor: This is serious. Both of you have an addiction to facepalming, or something similar.

Me: But it's not like smoking or anything.

Doctor: YES IT IS!

Owl: How is it like smoking?

Doctor: IT HURTZ YOUR HEADZ!

Me: My head is fine.

Owl: Nice try, Wish. You're insane.

Me: OH RIGHT! *babbles a bunch of psychotic nonsense*

Owl: There you go. *pats me on shoulder*

Person: AMAZINGUS DISAPPEARIMUS! *snaps fingers* *nothing happens*

Me: juwoijknlskcnjaenbr3 THAT WAS A FAIL! HAHA! *is tasered by Owl*

Owl: SILENCE!

Me: *twitches*

Owl: *tasers me again* AND NO MOVEMENTS!

Me: *twitch*

Owl: *tasers*

Me: *twitches again*

Owl: *tasers again*

Doctor: *pepper sprays Person*

Owl: Why did you do that?

Doctor: I wanted to play along.

Owl: *tasers Doctor:* Now, THAT'S playing along...

Person: MY EYES!

Owl: *tasers Person* EVERYONE SHUT UP!

*somewhere, a bird chirps*

Owl: *turns and glares at bird*

Bird: CHIRP CHIRP!

* * *

**[At the end of the portal]**

Owl: Where are we?

Me: Is this... London?

Owl: I have always wondered if British people sit around trying to speak in american accents. We must find out!

Me: HAHA! And find out we shall! *stares at little turtle walking by*

Owl: Oh hello little mine turtle.

Mine Turtle: Hello!

Me: You really shouldn't-

*Mine turtle explodes*

Me: I told you. *stares at blackened concrete*

Owl's voice faint in the distance: WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL?!

Me: Oh... BECAUSE IT IS!

Random Guy: Do you have a licence to park your portal here?

Me: Um...no...

Random Guy: Well, I'm calling the police then.

Me: Shoot. DON'T DO THAT! I HAVE A LICENSE!

Guy: Show me.

Me: *pulls out parking ticket* Here.

Guy: What's this?

Me: My license.

Guy: *stares at the ticket* Hm... It looks alright.

Me: *Dances in victory*

**/(^_^)/**

**(^_^)**

**!(^_^)!**

Guy: Uh... That's great. Here's your license. *tries to hand me my ticket*

Me: NOOOO! *shoves it back in his hands* I mean, no, you can keep it.

Guy: Oooooookkkaay then?

Me: Yeah. There you go. Have fun with that. *runs in the other direction*

Guy: HEY! YOU FORGOT YOUR PORTAL! *looks at the portal* I wonder what it feels like... *pokes it and get sucked in*

*portal disappears*

*A few seconds later, the portal reappears right above a car*

*Guy is thrown out of the portal, faceplanting on the car*

*car's alarm goes off and the portal disappears*

*reappears*

*Portal burps*

*portal disappears again*

Guy: Ow...

*police car comes*

Police: YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

Guy: For what?!

Police: You have an unpaid parking ticket here. It's five years old.

Guy: But that's not mine...

Police: Then why do you have it?

Guy: This person gave it to me...

Police: Well, let's arrest you and see if we believe you then.

* * *

**[Elsewhere in London]**

Me: Hey, Owl, I DID IT! I just have no idea where the portal is.

Owl: Who CARES? It's LONDON!

Me: Hey gurl, you wanna go shopping?

Owl: Of course, dahling, but who is going to let a cat and a bird into their store to buy jewelry?

Me: Good point. We can always shoplift. I mean, you're an owl, and I'm a cat, and the police will just think they're insane!

**[A few jewelry stores later]**

Me: THAT WAS SO FUN! *casually trots by a person being interviewed about the shopliftings*

Policewoman: So, did you see the perps?

Person: Uh...yeah. It was an owl, and a little golden cat.

Policewoman: WHAT?! *radios in*

Person: What?

Policewoman: Those two are wanted for resisting arrest, animal abuse, conspiracy against the US, *checks me and Owl's rap sheet* and... Lots of other stuff.

Person: Oh. Ok.

*Hears high heels on tile*

Owl and Me: *Turn around*

Owl: NOOOO!

London Tipton: Hai, I iz troll frm lung agoz. Meat meh palz, Moonshine and Faceface!

**[Wish: Well, this chapter was quite entertaining. I had a conversation with a voice in my head the other day, and he inspired me to continue this. All I had to do was do was type. I'm insane all on my own. Now, the whole London Tipton thing was Owl's idea, I've never even heard of her before. Well, we were in London... REVIEW IF YOU WANT MOAR PORTALZ! AND I WILL GIVE YOU MOAR PORTALZ! Hehe... Portal. :P**

**And, next time, I get to talk about illegal drinks! YESSSSS! And faces of faces. FUN! **

**And, thanks for the reviews. I was sitting here like "someone's going to report me... And everyone will probably think this sucks." SO APPARENTLY NOT! BWAHAHAHA- *gets tasered by Owl*]**


	4. Chapter 4

Owl and Me: NOO!

Owl: Wait. Weren't you on that TV show?

London: Wha u tkalen bot?

Me: I always knew you were a troll.

Random troll: They insult my species! *disappears*

Me: Huh. *scratches head* I shoulda known...

* * *

**[Wakes up in bedroom]**

Me: Wait... That was a dream?

Owl: *Wakes up in bed on the other side of the room.* ROOMIES! MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE!

Me: Ooooooook then?

Owl: Don't you see? We are like sisters now! Let's go rob a bank. No, we already did that. Twice.

Me: And I don't care to do that again.

Owl: We need a vacation.

Me: That sounds nice. Where should we go?

Owl: I have always wanted to go to 42 Sherman, Wallaby Way, Sydney.

Me: Very specific.

Owl: WE MUST FIND NEMO!

Me: ERMEGERD YOU'RE RIGHT!

Owl: *Dives into ocean* THIS WAY!

Me: Huh. Where'd the water come from... *dives in anyway*

* * *

**[IN OCEAN]**

Owl: Why is everything so blue?

Me: Well, it IS the ocean. Water is blue.

Owl: No... not really... TURTLES!

Me: *gasps* WHERE?!

Owl: *points to a tiny turtle* RIGHT THERE!

Me: Wait, is that-

Mine turtle: Hello! *explodes in my face*

Me: Of course... -.-

Owl: I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine. And he shall be my Squishy. *pokes Nemo*

* * *

**[Later]**

Person: I think I have abs!

Me: You sure about that?

**(long pause)**

Person: Yup, I'm pretty sure.

Me: Well... *runs forward*

*ninja kicks guy in the forehead*

*slaps him in the face*

*kicks him in the groin*

*steals abs*

*runs away*

* * *

**[Back in the ocean]**

Me: Isn't that Nemo?

Owl: No, he is my Squishy. And my Squishy only. *pokes Nemo again*

Me: Whatever. I will find Glowy, and he will be my Glowy, and MINE. ONLY. *pokes jellyfish* Hi Glowy.

Glowy: Dude, stop it.

Me: *pokes again*

Glowy: No, seriously, stop.

Me: *Epic poke*

Glowy: OK THAT'S IT! *zaps me*

Me: This is just like getting tasered... *gets zapped again* SHTOPIT!

Owl: Squishy. *epic pokes Nemo again*

Glowy: Everyone is poking everyone... *pokes random fish next to him*

*fish glows, showing skeleton*

*fish dies*

Me: *looks at descriptions above* Very descriptive... Nice job, me! *high-fives self, which is also a facepalm*

*POOF!*

Doctor: You should really stop that. But, I'm not in the mood for restructuring faces today. How have you been lately?

Me: Well, I've broken my foot, robbed a bank, encountered Starkit -

Owl: I have a kitty! *Picks me up*

Me: That's nice Owl. Now put me down.

Owl: *cuddles me*

Me: NO! STOP WITH THE CUDDLING! I AM NOT CUDDLY! I AM A FUZZY BALL WITH FUZZY FURY!

_**(Insert coin here!)**_

Me: NUUUUUU! *is pulled at by portal*

Owl: Look! It's a pokemon game!

Me: PUMPKINFUR! WHYYYYYYYYYYY?! *sucked into portal*

Owl: WHEEEEEEEEEE! *sucked in behind me*

Glowy: Wow. That was interesting. *sucked halfway in* Oh. Now this sucks.

* * *

**[In the magical portal land... Named... ELLIPSES! No, just kidding. Welcome to Paris.]**

Me: I think this is actually London... *edits statement above*

**[In the magical portal land... Named... ELLIPSES! No, just kidding. Welcome to Ireland.]**

Owl: That says Ireland.

Me: I think my laptop hates me...

Laptop: No dip, Sherlock.

Me: SHUDDUP!

Laptop: NO! *shuts down*

Me: NOOOO I DIDN'T SAVE THIS CHAPTER!

Owl: Yes you did.

Me: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Owl: Because it's right here.

Me: Oh... right...

*portal reappears*

Me: Wait... How is it back yet? We haven't even done anything...

Portal: YET! *spits out Angstkit*

Me: No! You can't do this!

Portal: Yes I can.

Me: No you can't.

Portal: Oh yes I can. I can also do this. *spits out ab guy*

Me: Oh, hey, sorry about the whole... ab...thing...

Owl: I MUST TAKE HIS ABS!

Me: Sure. Go right ahead. *bows and lets Owl pass through*

Owl: *Kung-Fu punches guy* *steals abs again*

Me: Wow. Nice. *high-fives*

Owl: *high-fives back*

Portal: Well. I CAN ALSO DO THIS! *changes color to blue* AND MEET MY BROTHER, PORTAL 2!

Portal 2: Hai. I'm orange.

Me: Hold on, when did Portal become part of Warriors?

Portal: Since you made this messed up Fanfic.

Me: Oh, that's true.

Portal: *pushes me into Portal 2 and goes directly beneath him* BWAHAHA!

Me: INFINITY POARTALZ! WHEEEEEEE- AHHHHH! *speeds up* THIS IS SCARY! MAKE IT STOP! MOMMY! I'M SCARED!

Owl: *eats popsicle*

Me: OWL! DO SOMETH-

Owl: You are doing great, hon. I wanna finish my popsicle.

Me: SCREW YOUR POPSICLE!

Owl: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU! *falcon punches me in the face*

Me: *goes flying back into Portal 2, now going backwards* MY FACE! IT HURTS!

Owl: *goes back to popsicle*

Me: PLEASE! I'M JUST AN ADORABLE LITTLE KITTY!

Portal: Yeah, I don't think so.

Portal 2: I'm getting tired.

Portal: Shuddup.

Portal 2: *cries*

Portal: *kicks Portal 2*

Portal 2: OWWW! I'M GUNNA TELL MOM!

Portal: Who IS our mom?

**(pause)**

Portal 2: I dunno.

Me: I'LL GIVE YOU SOME CAKE! PLEASE!

Portal: No, the cake is a lie.

Me: Wait... How did you know?

Portal: Heh. I'm a portal.

Portal 2: No, I'm a portal.

Portal: No, I am!

Portal 2: ME!

Portal: NO, I'M THE ONE TRUE PORTAL!

*epic portal fight ensues*

Me: Uh, guys, I'm still here! *goes insanely fast* STOPPIT!

Owl: I need a new popsicle. *walks away*

Me: *slams into building*

Guy at desk: *stares at me as I slide down the window, squeaking sounds coming from the window*

Me: *falls off building and onto a cop car* Ow... Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me!

Donut cop: *holding a box of donuts* MY CAR!

Me: *gets up, and brushes off all the glass shards* Hey, how have you been? Miss me?

Donut cop: *holds donuts close to him protectively* Mine...

Me: Whatever dude. *grabs the box and walks calmly away* HAVE A NICE DAY!

Donut cop: *looks at empty hands* *cries* My... My... MY DONUTS! *collapses, head in hands*

* * *

**[A couple of months later]**

Me: *Bounces ball against ceiling* I'm bored.

Owl: Yeah, me too. We need another vacation.

Me: Preferably one without stinging jellyfish and exploding turtles this time.

Owl: How about invading another persons house? Nah, killing JB was too much fun. *evil grin*

Me: Yeah, that was fun. *grins evilly too* OOH! Let's get into the White House and do something.

Owl: YES!

Me: I've always wondered what the prez does when he's not doing whatever it is he does.

Owl: Do you really think he does anything? Look at this country!

Me: True. We can still steal that briefcase that has all those nuclear launch codes. It'll be fun! WE'LL GET TO BEAT UP SOME SECRET SERVICE PEEPS! And we can see if his desk actually has any hidden compartments.

Owl: Sounds fun. What about next episode? *Evil grin* These fans are so excited already! I can feel it!

Me: Sure. We love to torture our readers, don't we? *grins even more*

Owl: See you in episode 5!

Me: After I post this. Are we just randomly chatting and making it part of the story?

Owl: Yeah. Who cares? It's a MOVIE!

Me: True.

* * *

**[Wish: Enjoy my insanity. Our invasion of the White House is soon to come, and special thanks to Pumpkinfur for making MOAR POARTALZ!]**


	5. Chapter 5

**[Wish: I just realized I haven't done a disclaimer for this story yet... And I make a bunch of references. Well, this will be like reading the fine print on a coupon. "Excludes (list almost everything in the store). Expires today." :D OK, here we go.**

**Owl and I do not own: Warriors, burritos, hypnotization, donuts, cops, tazers, pepper spray, Starkit, Angstkit, Hopekit, Portal (games 1 and 2), Batman, Mission Impossible, that "Chuck Testa" quote thing, Secret Service, Finding Nemo, popsicles, limos, Candy Crush, phones, the president, Justin Bieber, Owl City (Owl: HE WILL BE MINE!) [Wish: DON'T YOU DARE!], time machines, any kind of news station [Sadly], any movies [*sigh* We need to be more popular...], aliens, road trips, and anything else you guys could sue us for. Expires... Well, doesn't expire, because you're all going to sue us then. ENJOY THE COUPON! Wait, no, it's our coupon. Get-out-of-being-sued-for-free coupon.**

**Hope you love the chappie. I went to a mental hospital for it. I get out in three weeks. SO THANK YOU EVERYONE, YOU'RE ALL AWESOME! *gets laptop taken by nurse* NUUUU GIMME IT BACK! *falls off bed, faceplanting on floor*]**

* * *

Me: *hums Mission Impossible theme*

Owl: *darts around*

Me: DUN DUN DADA DUN DUN DADA DUN DUN-

Owl: *slaps me*

Me: *whispering* Ow!

Owl: Shut up!

Me: Right. *peeks around corner* *nudges Owl*

Owl: What?

Me: There he is! *points to president* Batman.

Owl: YAY! BATMAN!

Me: Now let's do this.

Owl: *Rolls on ground while holding broom*

Me: *rolls behind Owl, random stick in hand* *gets stuck halfway through the hallway* Shoot. *scoots over to Owl*

Owl: *Pulls out phone* *Begins playing Candy Crush*

Me: *fumbles with phone* Wait... why do I need my phone? *shoves back in pocket* Ready?

Owl: Oh yeah. *Pulls out gun* *Fumbles with gun for a moment*

Me: Woah! Watch where you're pointing that. *pulls out trusty pepper spray can*

Owl: Gurl, why you ackin so cray cray?

Me: O.o Whut?

***Music playing in background.***

Owl: THAT TRATOR! HE LIKES JB!

Me: That... Is... UNFORGIVABLE! *fumbles with pepper spray can* *accidentally sprays self* OHHH!

Both of us: *Jump out*

Me: *Stumbles* *smacks into wall, dizzy* I'M GOOD!

Owl: Shut it! We need to attack... NOW! *Grabs mirror* *Smashes it to the ground*

Me: What was that for?

Owl: *Pulls me behind table*

President: What was that? *Walks over*

Owl: Now!

Me: *jumps out* HA! *pepper sprays self* OWWW! WRONG WAY! *turns it around* *tries to pepper spray president* *misses, but doesn't notice* TAKE THAT BATMAN!

Owl: *Picks up shards of broken glass* *Sings* With broken glass, we can bleed across the land! With broken glass, I can make a tasty sandwich! Broken glass!

Me: What the heck was that? The Broken Glass song?

Owl: Yup.

Me: Cool. I like it.

Secret Service guy: PUT DOWN THE PEPPER SPRAY!

Me: NO! *points the can at the Secret Service guy*

Secret Service guy: You're an idiot. *slaps me*

Me: *knocked out*

Owl: DISAPPEAR! *rolls behind wall, disappearing*

* * *

**[In our humble abode thing]**

Me: We should go on a ROAD TRIP!

Owl: YES! *jumps in limousine*

Me: What the... Since when could we afford a limo? And how can it even fit in here?

Owl: It's a limo. Just accept it. *pulls me inside*

* * *

**[A few hours of driving later, we are in New Mexico.]**

Me: You have any idea where we are, Owl?

Owl: *points to statement*

Me: Oh. Mkay. *Sees sign* Looks like we're in Roswell.

Owl: Maybe there's some nice gas station out here or something...

Me: And why would we care? I mean, it's not li- Oh.

Owl: *snaps picture of cactus* Where's my Popsicle?

Me: I don't have your stupid Popsicle!

Owl: *grabs it from cooler* *starts eating it*

Me: *snatches Popsicle* HAHA!

Owl: *punches me in the face and grabs the Popsicle* Thank you for giving me my Popsicle.

Me: *cries* OOH there's sparkly lights outside!

**And then we were abducted by aliens. This incident was followed by full media coverage, making Roswell, New Mexico popular for their aliens yet again. And this is how World War Z happened.**

* * *

_**(Owl: YAAAAAAAAAY! Oh my pudding zombies, next thing you know we will be in the Hunger Games! *wink, wink*) **_

**[Wish: Hehe... Yeah. Now then, review and be awesome people! So I can get my laptop back from the evil nurse and get treated for that awesome faceplant! Come on, you know you want to... Just type something in that little box, and review... And maybe I'll get back sooner... Ellipses... Are fun... So now I have breathing problems. Suspense is so mean to me. So, uh... See you all next chappie! I will add whatever you guys (and girls) want me to, because I'm running out of insanity. HELP ME GET MY INSANITY BACK! I'M BELOW THE HEALTHY LEVEL!]**


	6. Chapter 6

**[Wish: WARNING! MINOR LANGUAGE! PLEASE COVER YOUR ADULT'S EYES!**

**Contains aliens, candied gut fountains, moar portalz, and (you guessed it!) Hunger Games violence that you all expected anyway. Batteries not included. CHARGE YOUR OWN DEVICE, PEOPLE!]**

* * *

The aliens actually are quite nice. The ship even has a soda machine, some fondue fountain full of what I think is candied guts, and this epic hot tub. 'How did they even get this?' you might ask. Well, apparently they are civilized enough to cook food. Ahh, that hot tub is nice.

"What are you doing?" Owl shrieks.

"Oh, you know, lovin' my hot tub," I respond, slowly sliding deeper into the water. Who knew the sides could be so slippery?

Owl facepalms herself. Lucky for us we are in the far reaches of space. That stupid doctor guy is getting old. I grab the nearest bottle and empty it's contents into the water. Slowly I disappeared into the bubbly frothy hot tub awesomeness. I hear Owl grab the bottle from the water. I ignore her and splash some water on my face. I sigh and slide even further down into the water.

"Powdered pepper spray," Owl announces.

I stop and look down at the water, horrified. I grab my towel and dash out of the hot tub and run straight into the bathroom. I take a speedy little shower and put on some clothes. I walk outside, and see Owl waiting for me.

"You need to start checking bottles before you pour them into your hot tub."

"Gurl, I move too fast to check things before I do them."

I hear a loud whoosh. I look under me to find Portal 1.

"Oh, hey man. How you been?" I ask, looking at the swirly blue dude. I wonder if he's in the Blue Man Group? I should ask him sometime. Anywho.

"You have a date with fate," he said dramatically.

"That rhymed!" Owl announces, getting a stare from me.

"Well, tell whoever 'fate' is that he has to wait. I want to try that candied gut fountain."

But he doesn't wait. Soon the floor beneath me dropped away, wind rushing up to me as Owl and I pelt towards the ground.

* * *

**[Pretend this isn't a line break. Pretend instead that you have a cookie. Have your cookie? Good. Now stop reading this and get on with the story. Oh, and enjoy the cookie.]**

"Where are we?" Owl asks, tilting her head to the side. She picks up an arrow from the ground, then sniffs it. "This smells like pollen and mutts."

"I don't know," I say, looking around. We are in a crowded forest. To the right is a pile of supplies, and to the left is a cliff. Which way should we go?

From nowhere, a loud boom echoes over the treetops. We dive into the cover of the bushes. leaves crunching behind us as two people frolic through the clearing.

One is a tall, pale girl with her hair braided neatly against her neck and down her side. The other is a blonde kid with a stupid grin on his face. A bit of blood is smeared on his chin.

Owl nudges me.

"Whut?" I ask, not lowering my voice at all.

"Listen."

"Okay!" the girl shouts to the boy. "Since you are smart enough to live this long, I'm gonna trust you to pick some berries for us. I am going to hunt for some child's flesh."

The blonde kid nodded his head like an idiot, then limped over to the bushes as the girl walked briskly off.

**Then I stole the keyboard from Owl and stopped typing in goodie-two-shoes story format.**

* * *

Me: *Stands up* *walks over to blonde kid*

Peeta: DON'T KILL ME!

Me: Chill, man, we have no idea where we are.

Owl: I haz avocadoz.

Me: Avocadoz?

Owl: Yez, avocadoz.

* * *

**[THEN...!]**

Owl: I'm gunna poke it!

Peeta: NOOO! Why would you do that?!

Owl: I'm still gunna poke it!

Peeta: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: But it's too young to die!

Owl: *pokes Peeta's bagel*

Peeta: *collapses on ground crying*

**[A cannon goes off]**

Katniss: WHAT WAS THAT?! Peeta, did you DIE?!

Peeta: *still crying* NUUUU! MY BAGEL! *cries even harder*

Me: *digs a small hole to bury the dead bagel*

Owl: We must have a ceremony. Peeta, would you speak to us about Bagel's life?

Peeta: *Stiffles sob* Bagel, bagel was my BEST FRIEND and ONLY love! *Bursts out crying*

Me: Oh, hey, look, there's Katniss!

Katniss: *runs over and slaps Peeta. Hard.*

Peeta: *Cries like baby*

Owl: Wish, how about you give us a speech now.

Me: COOL! Well, Bagel, I didn't really know you. I just know that you were probably a tasty bagel, and that Katniss will probably continue to slap Peeta ruthlessly because he loved a stupid bagel. That good, Owl?

Katniss: YOU LOVED A STUPID BAGEL?!

Me: Ok, maybe Bagel wasn't STUPID, but he is a bagel. Mmm... Bagel...

Katniss: *slaps Peeta again*

Peeta: *crawls into fetal position and sucks his thumb, still crying*

Owl: Hey Wish, we should probably go now. Things look a bit rough.

**[Suddenly an alarm sounds and an intercom turns on]**

Intercom: There will now be a feast at the cornucopia. All remaining tributes are invited to come, eat, and fight to the death!

Me: A feast? Ooh...

Owl: *runs off to eat all the potatoes*

Peeta: *still crying and sucking his thumb*

Katniss: *collapses with hands over ears* WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!

Me: *dashes off after Owl*

* * *

**[MEANWHILE, AT THE CORNUCRAPPIA... A.K.A. Da Latrine...]**

Me: No, it's mine!

Owl: No, MINE!

Me: MINE *tugs on random blanket*

Owl: *pulls harder*

Me: *is dragged by Owl via blanket* *sits on top of blanket* Hyah, Owl!

Owl: *drags me into hole*

Me: OWL, IT'S DARK IN HERE!

Owl: Shuddup.

Me: OWWWWWWWWWL! *starts crying*

Owl: *walks calmly away*

Peeta: *shines a flashlight in his eyes* OW!

Me: Oh, hey, Peeta? Can you ah, help me out of this uh... Hole?

Peeta: NO.

Owl: MAGICAL PONY FLYING IN THE SKY!

Me: SHOOT IT DOWN! *sets it on fire*

Owl: NOOOO MAI PONY!

Me: *is crushed by flaming debris*

Owl: TAKE OVAH!

**{Then Owl took ovah.}**

_**So, sorry we left for so long. Wish died. JUST KIDDING! No, but seriously. Wish died. And now I, Owl, have taken ovah,**_

**[Wish: HAAAAAI YA'LL MISS MEH?!]**

_**(Owl: *Tasers with 5 million volt bazooka taser*)**_

**[Wish: That's not very nice... Plus I just died and got resurrected, all Starkit like. So don't do dat. SO ANYWAYZ PEEPS! Pwease r-e-v-i-e-w FOR DIS EPICNESS! Thanks for waitin for this long-awaited episode of I am a Cat: THE MOVIE! You're all awesome! So, enjoy your cookies. you won't get more. Unless you read this again, because then you'll get to that linebreak again, and-]**

_**(Owl: *slaps hand over Wish's mouth* Shuddup.)**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Owl here, since I took over and all that. I just want you to know that a new guest star has joined us for this episode of our movie! That's about it... Yeah... MEET Bat! (And yes, he actually is helping write this, unlike all those doctors, cops, portals, etc.)**

**[I hate those cops. They have tasers... ANYWAY. ONTO DA STORY.]**

* * *

Me: Owl, I'm BOOORED.

Owl: Then read a book or something.

Me: Wahtz a book?

Owl: It is like a refrigerator, except more knowledgeable.

Me: NOO. BIG WORDS. *shrinks*

Bat: Uh... I DUNNO.

Me: *falls off couch, faceplanting on the floor*

Owl: *slaps with book*

Me: *takes book and looks at it* Wut ish dis?

Bat: It's a Justin Beiber magazine.

Me: *screams head off and shoves book in shredder* NOOO! *kicks shredder and incinerates the shreds for good measure* MY HANDZ ARE CONTAMINATED! *dives into kiddy pool* Is this.. Chocolate pudding?

Owl: Nope. *walks away*

Me: DEN WAT ISH IT?!

Bat: *shrugs*

Me: -_- You don't know a lot of things, do you?

Bat: I'M A BAT! *flits around*

Owl: WRONG. You're BatGIRL.

Me: Ooh, capsiez.

Bat: *clicks caps lock* wHAT'S THIS BUTTON DO?!

Me: Stuff. Amazing shtuffs.

Bat: yAY ME! i STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT IT DOES THOUGH!

Owl: Lookie here... *picks up Skistar*

Me: Where'd he come from...? *gurgles*

**[Amazing realization BY ME! It's not really chocolate pudding.]**

Me: *screams 'my mouth is contaminated' and runs into the lake*

Bat: Thats not water.

Me: HOW YOU KNOWZ?!

Bat: *shrugs* Maaaaybe the fact that it's bright yellow...

Me: *looks down at water in horror*

Owl: MUSTARD!

Me: YAY KETCHUP! *swims around*

Owl: *Barfs*

Me: *drowns*

Bat: *resurrects me*

Me: LEIK A BAWS! *rises like a phoenix*

Owl: *EPIC POKES ME*

Me: *stops floating and slowly sinks back into 'lake'*

* * *

**[Guess what? GUESS WHAT?! . . . Nope, sorry, I've got nothing. Continue.]**

Me: LET'S GO SLEDDING!

Owl: Wonderful idea! *kicks me over and uses me as a sled*

Me: BUT DERES NO SNOW!

Bat: Precisely.

Owl: WHICH IS WHY I WILL... MAKE... SNOOOOOW!

Me: You haz breathing problems. *rolls around in mud*

Owl: *Tazers*

Me: *goes spastic in the mud, flinging it everywhere. Including Owl's face.*

Owl: NO MOVEMENTS! *Pepper sprays*

Me: MAAAAAAAAI EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! *squirms*

Bat: *runs into power line*

Owl: *gets chainsaw and cuts down power line*

Me: But now we have no power...

Bat: *is crushed* *dissipates into mud*

Me: This mud feels weird... *pokes*

Bat: *flys out screaming bloody murder and attacking my face*

Me: *slams head into mud to save self* OH MY HOLY FAX MACHINE WHAT'S WHAT?! *Is attacked by facesucker* Squish. Squish. Ssssssshhhhquiiiiish.

Random bird: SQUAWK. *flies away*

Bat: *Tazers facesucker*

Me: *stands up before suddenly loosing consciousness and faceplanting in the mud. Again. Yes, moar mud. No complaining.*

**[Ostrich walks by]**

Owl: Where the heck did that come from? *picks up rock and throws it at me because she can*

Me: *twitches*

Bat: NOT AN OSTRICH! *hides and starts hyperventilating*

Owl: *kicks ostrich*

Ostrich: HONK.

Me: That's a goose... *rolls around in mud like a pig*

Bat: *starts having a seizure*

Owl: Hm, you're right. *pulls off costume, revealing a large purple goose*

Me: SINCE WHEN ARE GEESE PURPLE?! Dat's just not right, gurl.

Owl: *shrugs*

Bat: *has heart attack*

Me: Oh, uh, hey Bat. You good man? *pokes*

Owl: LET'Z GO TO DA VIDEO GAME PLACE!

* * *

**[Later, at some random gaming place...]**

Bat: I wanna play in the arcade.

Me: NO. NOOOO GAMING FOR YOU. *epic pokes*

Owl: *trots over to a Pac-Man game and starts playing*

Bat: *faceplants on floor*

Me: *shrugs and walks over to video game named Nort*

Bat:*Starts to cry*

Me and Owl: SHUDDUP WE'RE FOCUSING!

Bat: *slithers across floor*

Me: *throws tomatoe at Bat*

Bat: Ow. *pokes toes that had fallen on his head*

Owl: HIGH SCORE!

Me: *sticks tongue out of mouth to focus harder*

Bat: *Drives into wall*

Owl: How did... *phases through wall*

Me: *still playing Nort* *game crashes* NOOOOO! *kicks it*

Owl: *peeks head out of wall* Whut?

**[Lightning comes out of the Nort game]**

Me: WHAT TH- *electrocuted by lightning and is sucked into game*

Owl: WHEEEE *calmly floats by on lightning cloud*

Bat: Yaaaaaay... *chills on Owl's cloud*

* * *

**[After getting zapped and seriously mad that Owl and Bat just CALMLY RODE IN, ON A FREAKING CLOUD, we find ourselves in the land of Tron. Tron because I want it to be backwards. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY!]**

Bat: Uh... Where are we? *looks around endless glowing plains*

Me: *massive lightning surge comes out of body* AWHRLKFNQA WEKFNBSJVFB WSEKHgb sikngfbl sakh8039y2nfwkunvw8wbvou!

Bat: Seriously?

Owl: *slaps* SHUDDUP. SILENCE, FOOL. *kicks in face*

Bat: Ow.

Me: *points to lightcycles in distance* Whuz dat?

Owl: *eats popsicle*

Me: STOP WITH YOUR POPSICLES! *snatches and eats it*

Owl: *gasps* NO. IMBECILE.

**[The lightcycles finally reach us]**

Me: Oh, hey guyz.

Owl: *pulls out avocadoes* YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME! TAKE HIM INSTEAD! *shoves Bat in front of her*

Bat: O.O Squeak?

Me, Owl, and Bat: *taken*

* * *

**[Somewhere in this randomly computerized place full of people that are magically like glass]**

Announcer: Are all our players ready?

Bat: No...

Me: Whut?

Owl: *spaz* HARBLEDGUNK.

Announcer: Uh... Oook then...? *clears throat* ANYWAY. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Me: Whut game...? *has random glowy spinny disk thingy thrown at head*

Announcer: Disk Wars.

Me: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS!

Owl: *expertly tosses disk at other guy and wins instantly*

Bat: *Fumbles with disk* Hyaaa! *holds out empty hand* Oh... Shhhhh-

GPS: Beep.

Me: WHAT THE-

GPS: Beep.

Me: SHUT UP YOU-

GPS: Beep. Beep. *pause* Beep.

Me: *screams in rage and starts beating the other person up with a megasized pillow* TAKE THAT! *feathers fly everywhere*

* * *

**[Remember the editing room? SURPRISE! Gotcha. . . . Don't sue me...]**

Producer: What do you mean something's wrong?

Me: Well, how the heck did this whole thing start with DRUMSTICKS?!

Bat: First it's super sized keyboards, then now pillows. Come on.

Owl: Whatevs.

Me: Can I at least have something other than a fluffy pillow?

Owl: SCOOT OVER! *pushes tech guy off of chair and sits down at the computer* *typing sounds* Type. Type. Type. Type. Type. Type. Type. Moar typin'. Type. Type. Type. Clickety. Type. Enter.

* * *

**[Aaaaand, BACK TO THE FIGHT!]**

Me: *fumbles football* WHERE THE HE- Oh. Right. *looks down at football* Yeah, this helps A LOT, OWL!

Owl: Hoot hoot.

Bat: Um...I still need a weapon.

Announcer: You don't get one.

Bat: WHY?!

Announcer: Because Wish and Owl are known fugitives.

Me: THAT'S UNFAIR! THAT WAS BACK IN THE NORMAL WURLD!

Announcer: *donut eating is heard over PA system*

Owl: Hm... *morphs into owl and flies over to Announcer*

Me: IT'S DONUT COP! *covers head with football and collapses into fetal position*

Bat: *Grabs opponent* *beats opponent with head* OW. MY. HEAD.

Me: *cries and cuddles football*

Owl: *throws boomerang at me*

Me: *shmack* *cries even harder*

My opponent: Um... *pokes me*

Me: *wails*

Bat: *runs around in circles*

Owl: *tosses Bat a banana* There. Now you have something.

Bat: *looks at banana* What good does this do me?

Me: *grabs banana and eats it, still crying* *tosses peel somewhere random*

Random Tron dude who wants to murder us: *runs forward, screaming* *slips on banana peel, falling flat on face*

*POOF*

Bat: *Steals his disk* YES! *Disk vanishes*.NO!

Me: *hums Mission Impossible and rolls around the arena* I AM INVISIBLE!

Bat: * Runs off set*

Owl: HEY. SOMEONE STOP HIM!

*SWAT breaks down door*

Swat Captain: MISS ME?!

Me: Is it just me, or is this like a repeat of time?

Owl: I SHALL ESCAPE! *flies through open window*

Bat: It's new to me.

Me: YOUR OPINION ISH NOT VALID! *shines flashlight at Bat*

Bat: *screams* I'M NOCTURNAL!

Me: Yeah, and I'm a cat... Waaait. Hold on.

Doctor: HA! TOLD YOU!

Me: -.- Seriously man?

Doctor: What?

Me: You.

Doctor: Me?

Me: No, not me, YOU.

Doctor: What?

Me: *facepalm* I don't even get this anymore.

Doctor's evil twin: HAHA!

Me: So, you still part time?

Doctor's twin: *shuffles feet* Yeah...

Me: Well, that sucks. Right?

Bat: Hey guys, I'm still alive!

SWAT guy: *pepper sprays Bat*

Bat: *screaming* NUUUUUUUUUUU MY EEEEEYYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!

Me: 12971513985713-9613u109458304

Doctor: What... The...

Owl: REFRIGERATOR! *raids fridge*

Bat:*Is knocked out*

Me: *looks around* Uh, Owl?

Owl: *licking lollipop* Hm?

Me: I kinda... Need some help over here.

Owl: Good luck, gurl. Why you so cray cray?

Bat: *Drools, stupid look on face*

SWAT guy: Is that like crawfish? *stares at me hungrily*

Me: See, now that's just creepy. *is stuffed into sack*

Bat: *Is taken along for no reason whatsoever*

Owl: *finishes off lollipop* *waves to me and Bat* HAVE FUN! *walks out back door*

Bat: HELP US, UNGRATEFUL OWL!

Owl: YOU. DID. NOT. *pulls out sharpie*

Bat: Ok I didn't.

Owl: *puts sharpie away* Good boy. *pats on head and shoves a dog biscuit in his mouth*

Bat: *mumbles something muffled*

**[Magical translator time! Bat had said: WHAT TH... Mmmmmm... This is actually really good.]**

Bat:: THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!

**[Deal with it, bro.]**

Bat: But...fine.

* * *

**[Later still...]**

Portal 1: It's mine, man!

Portal 2: NO! It's mine!

Portal 1: SINCE WHEN DID YOU NEED THIS?!

Portal 2: SINCE NOW!

Portal 1: *looks at blanket* Eh, whatever. *tosses it at Portal 2*

Portal 2: YEA- *blanket is sucked through him and out through Portal 1. And back again.* Man, that's just messed up...

Portal 1: *smug grin on face* Let's try this now. *grabs Bat and tosses him into Portal 2*

Bat: *pulls out I-pod* Aww yeah.

Me: HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM!? *screams like a madman and runs in circles before smacking into a wall* MY NOSE!

Bat: Meditation.

Me: MAAAAAAAI NOOOOOOSSSSEEEEEEE... *sobs*

Bat: Awww yeah, Owl City, peoples.

Me: *sniffs and pulls out phone* *plays Candy Crush*

**[A door opens]**

Me: Since when was there a door there? *peeks, and bumps face on the side of the door* OWWWWWW...

* * *

**[Wish: Hai dere. Soz, yeah. You met Bat. He's new here, so just deal with him. Whatevs people. I'll give you a cookie. *eats a cookie* Or a popsicle. Since Owl doesn't need them anyway.]**

**(Owl: GIMME THAT POPSICLE!**

**Oh, and review if you want to see more of Bat)**

**[Wish: YAY! REVIEWZ!]**

**{Bat: DON'T LET THEM KILL ME! That's all.}**

**[Wish: Whatevs, dude. Your opinion is invalid, newbie. *kicks off Empire State Building*]**


End file.
